This is a very graphic account of my story of childhood sexual abuse and my recounts of what happened to me as a child. It is also my story of how due to my childhood abuse, I made many very toxic decisions in my adult life, how I recognized what I was doing much later in life and how I decided to change my life. It is a very adult oriented book and it is also the rawest thing I have ever written. Growing up with a sexually abusive family has marked and changed my life in many ways. But I have finally found my voice and I wanted to share this part of me for many other women or men who may have grown up in a sexually abusive family. This is my story and I hope it can help someone else who may have experienced the same.
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So your relationship has ended and the narcissist has either discarded you, or you left them. Either way you feel like your life has been flipped upside down. You feel like you are in crisis and that your life has ended. For those of you who have experienced narcissistic abuse you know it really does feel that tragic. Just when you start to feel like you are coping in the best way you can, starting to move forward with your life and moving on, the narcissist sends you an “I miss you, I love you text”. Or, they stop by unexpectedly. You are left feeling confused, and all of the feelings come rushing back to you. After all, this was someone you loved with all your heart. Maybe they really have changed, you think to yourself. After many attempts at getting back with my own narcissistic ex and seeing many friends get back together with toxic exes, I can tell you for a fact that the narcissist is not a changed person. Here are some of the main reasons they come back and beg you to take them back. Making false promises and giving you the ilusion that they have magically changed for the better.
- The new supply they moved onto caught onto them fast-They somehow managed to show their true colors with the new supply they were attempting to replace you with sooner than later and the new supply smelled the toxicity from miles away letting them go, before they had a chance to destroy them.
- They can’t be alone- A narcissist who attempts to be alone is basically the same as a fish attempting to live without water. They are dehydrating and in desperate need of supply. Supply to a narcissist can be many things. Attention, affection, admiration, sex (a huge one for them), a roof over their head, money, food eat, car rides, and the ilusion to keep a good show in front of friends and family. While they are attempting to get back in your life, they are badmouthing you to their family and friends saying you are begging them to go back and they are giving you one last chance. Make no mistake.
- They have a need to feel in control and by you ignoring them, you take away their power and control. They will come back over and over just to feel like they have one, just to be able to discard you and not feel like they have been dumped or replaced. They will come back to destroy you all over again, because they are mad and they believe deep down that it’s your fault. So they will come back again and try to make sure that you feel guilty and that they leave you destroyed again.
- The benefits they get from you feeds their ego. Any time you have sex with a toxic person undeserving of your body, they will always feel grandiose, like you can’t live without them and by having sex with them you confirm to them that they are the best sex you have ever experienced…feeding their ego=supply
- They want to see just how much power they still have over you. They want to know that you will jump any hoops they want you to and that you will still move mountains to be with them. It is all part of an abusers manipulation and to take away their control over you is to take away all of their power.
I’m here to tell you that it is never because they still love you. It is not because they miss you and cannot live without you. It is all control, power, supply and manipulation each and every time. And they will continue to do it unless you shut the door and keep it closed. You and only you have the power to say NO MORE and to close that door for good. Even if you have children. You are not obligated to communicate or even visit with this person besides communicating about the children. You do not have to respond to any “I miss you” text messages or calls. You do not have to respond to any of it. It is ultimately up to you how long you remain in this toxic cycle. And how much more you are going to take from them. But you are worth so much more than this toxic cycle. You are worth more than being a narcissists supply. Delete the text messages, block the numbers, block the social media, say no!!! Save yourself from the pain of being used, recycled, used and discarded over and over again. You are worthy of so much more than this. It all starts with you.
Noraima Y. Torres
At some point in our journey we become tired of the pain. Of the constant reminder that this person who promised to love you has left you devastated. There comes a point in every survivors life in which we become tired of checking up on our ex. We become tired of keeping the lines of communication open with someone who hurt us so much. Basically we become sick and tired of being sick and tired. At that point you know deep down in your gut that life will never be the same, yet you slowly become ok with that idea. You realize that constant reliving of your abusive relationship is only keeping you feeling stuck in your pain. So how do you ever get to that point if you feel stuck?
Grief and pain are not things that can be rushed. And that is the worst of it. You must be willing to feel your feelings no matter how much it hurts. You must be willing to reach deep down and not be afraid of what you find. There will come a point when you just don’t have anymore energy to give to the Narcissist and at that point you will realize that this whole journey was never truly about the Narcissist. This journey was about learning to love yourself because somewhere along the way you began to love someone else more than you. You began to place their needs and wants above your own. And that is the moment they began to take you for granted and treat you poorly.
So I want you to take this time now to focus solely on your healing. Your healing is not going to come from the Narcissist. You will never get that closure you seek from an abusive person whose sole purpose is to project their guilt onto you. From now on make a conscious choice every single day to do whatever you need to do to heal from this relationship. Do not feel guilty for putting yourself first for a change. Start each day by asking yourself “What will help me in my recovery today?” And follow your gut instincts. Take baby steps if you must, even crawl if you have to. But do start. You can and you will be happy again and you will not find joy in your Narcissistic ex’s inbox. Stop punishing yourself saying that you can’t do this or that you can’t stop yourself. Tell yourself a new story. You can do this and you have the power to stop yourself. When you flip the attention from the Narcissist to yourself, your entire life will begin to change. Things will make sense and you will start to realize that it was only about you.
Hugs and Healing
One way a Narcissist avoids taking responsibility or accountability for their behavior is by a common tactic called Blame Shifting. The inability to accept responsibility for their actions is one of the key signs that you may be dealing with a Narcissist. Narcissists typically avoid any situation in which they may feel shame. Since they are unable to internalize and reflect on their feelings of shame, it is much easier for them to externalize this and put the blame on you. Typically they will blame you for absolutely anything and everything. They will say that it is your fault that they behave the way they do. They will blame you for their rage, Verbal Abuse, physical abuse, cheating, and lying and say that it’s because you made them act this way. They will try to justify any toxic behavior by saying that you are crazy or jealous or controlling and that they are just acting out to the way you treat them. This can be very confusing as you will constantly struggle with Self doubt and wonder if in fact you are the cause of their behavior.
I am here to tell you that you are not responsible for another person’s abusive actions. No matter what they say. You did not cause them to behave this way. It is not your responsibility. This person makes a conscious choice to Abuse you. They can very much choose to act differently and make healthier choices but they choose not to. Accept no blame. They are choosing their behavior. And you can choose to stop engaging with such a toxic manipulator. It is best to maintain distance from this type of mental Abuse. When they no longer have someone to blame, they will desperately seek out another target to project their shame onto. You did not cause this person’s personality disorder. However, you can choose to not be a part of it. The only person you will ever be responsible for is yourself. Your actions, your feelings. You no longer need to carry the weight of a toxic person on your shoulders.
During a toxic relationship or relationship with a Narcissist we typically become so addicted to keeping them happy that we forget about taking care of ourselves. We put them first on our priority list and make sure that we are catering to their every need. Only to realize that what we do will never be acknowledged, appreciated or enough for a Narcissist. We make ourselves physically, mentally and emotionally sick by not putting our own happiness first. And this is one of the hardest lessons we learn after a break up with a Narcissist. After we leave them or they discard us for new supply, we are left with only ourselves to look at. But we have been so used to taking care of their needs that we don’t know how to care for ourselves anymore. So where can we start?
The first thing you can do is become brutally honest with yourself and come to accept that you have placed yourself on the back burner for way too long. To understand that your happiness and self care should always be your priority . Even to be a good parent and to meet your children’s needs, you can’t pour from an empty cup. You must begin to make extreme Self care a daily habit. Your health and well being are important. Without it your quality of life is greatly diminished. Some things that have helped me to begin Self care is to take a few minutes every day for myself. In those few minutes I make sure I am doing something towards my own Healing and recovery.
Things such as reading a book on Narcissistic Abuse, writing, taking a warm bath, going for a walk, listening to podcasts or YouTube videos on Recovering from Narcissistic Abuse, Art Therapy, listening to music, spending time in nature, watching a funny movie, talking to a friend, painting my nails, drinking a nice cup of coffee, anything that brings you joy and comfort is self care. You can add your own unique things to this list. Taking the time to care for yourself will be a huge step forward in your own Healing. We must learn to make ourselves a priority again. Because ultimately the most important relationship you will have, is the relationship you have with yourself. You deserve to be treated with respect. So begin by treating yourself with respect first.
Sending hugs and healing,
Noraima Yarissa Torres
I wrote this book in an effort to share my own story of my own Abusive Relationship with a Narcissist and the things that I have done that are helping me recover slowly from this horrific nightmare. I hope this book brings hope and healing and helps you in your own recovery journey. I am by no means 100% recovered. I still go through intense moments of devastation. But these little steps have been life saving and have brought me hope in many ways. I hope it can do the same for you. Narcissistic Abuse leaves no physical scars yet it is one of the most toxic and damaging forms of abuse. I want you to know that you can recover from this pain and be happy again. To purchase in Paperback today please click on link https://www.createspace.com/5950515 Book will also be available on Amazon and Bookstores in one week.
One of the biggest signs that you are dealing with a Narcissist is their ability to discard you and pretend you never existed all while pretending to the world that they have now met their soul mate. I know this from first hand experience as I was also that so called soul mate a year and a half ago. I was also told that I was the best thing that ever happened to my ex, that I was beautiful and better than all the exes prior to me. I was her everything. Until one day she met someone else who gave her the validation I could no longer give her because she was verbally abusive. I had begun to set boundaries and would make my ex walk to work every time she chose to call me a dumb cunt or worthless whore. But in her eyes I was the bad guy. For standing up for myself. For not allowing her to continue verbally abuse me. So she found herself a new victim. And I do say victim because she really does not know what she has gotten herself into. I can’t even be mad that she was already trying to make my wife fall in love with her while she was still with me. While we had just gotten married. Never mind the fact that she was the definition of a homewrecker. You can’t wreck a home that was already broken so I won’t blame her. What I feel for this new victim is sadness. Because once my ex finds another supply she will leave her feeling destroyed. The same way she left me. Narcissists will destroy every part of you until you have nothing more to give.
Once you have nothing more to give of yourself, they will find new supply who can give them those things. And the cycle will continue for the rest of their lives because narcissists are personality disordered individuals who can not change. Unfortunately she has probably been so love bombed or idealized by my Narcissistic ex that she will not believe anything I’m saying because she is blinded by the chemical addiction to the narcissist. The chemical addiction they usually form through sex, flattery, intense love bombing and by mirroring the positive qualities you possess. They become the perfect lover but this is an illusion. You are being conditioned to believe these things. And here’s proof. Once you have your first argument these are things that will happen. They will verbally abuse you. Call u a whore, dumb cunt, worthless and use anything of your past against you. Also if you break up they will almost and most likely go sleep with their ex. Which my ex did about five times in our relationship. And then come back begging and promising you that you are the one, that they will change. But they will never change. And you will see that every time you have an argument with them. Bottom line, she will destroy you and everything you think you know about love. And discard you for exes, come back, pretend to love you again and discard you again for a new supply. The phases are called idealize, devalue and discard phases. And only a true Narcissist will follow these patterns. How can you save yourself? Do not believe in the words you are told and only believe in actions. Their actions will never lie. And I won’t sit here and blame the other woman. Why? Because she is being spoonfed the same lies myself and all the other girlfriends before me were fed. Because we didn’t know better, because we loved her, because we wanted this love to be real. And so do you. Maybe not now but years from now, you will see for yourself that everything I am saying here is the absolute truth. You didn’t know better. You are in love with an illusion. Which is why you don’t see me putting up a fight, fighting for my marriage, fighting for the person who just vowed to love me forever. Because I’m on the other side now. The side that knows the most unbearable pain you could ever imagine. The pain you will never understand until she’s done with you. Which is why I’m not fighting for her. I want you to know that one day these things will happen to you, nobody is exempt from a Narcissists Abuse. And that their is life, light and happiness on the other side. Even if it destroys you to let go. I hope you find this light again one day. And I’ll be here to take your hand and help you heal. No hard feelings. You could not have known the truth about monster who sleeps next to you. But now you know.